


... My Life.

by Fangirlingmanaged



Series: God Knows I... [15]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Protective Avengers, Protective Steve Rogers, Protective Tony Stark, Reconciliation, Recovery, Steve Feels, Tony Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 05:32:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5731237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlingmanaged/pseuds/Fangirlingmanaged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neither one of them will ever take this for granted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	... My Life.

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, guess who's back! Eff you writer's block!   
> Finally, this is done. just perhaps one fluffy epilogue after, but the main story is DONE.   
> MAH BEHBEH'S ;-;

Things are never going to go back to what they used to be before the entire cluster fuck of the war. Of that, Steve has been incredibly sure since Tony had cornered him after Thaddeus and told him about _punching his perfect teeth._ He’d known just by looking at Tony as they’d begun to drift away from each other. Since before the War, since before Steve had… turned. Since Bucky, he’d known that there was a part of Tony that would always be apprehensive about him.

He had never, _ever_ wanted things to turn the way they had before he got shot, though. It had never even crossed his mind that he could turn into the type of person that would make Tony have that sort of… _fear_. He never thought he’d get lumped into the same category of everyone that had ever turned on Tony. He was loath to think that he was another name in that list. Howard. Thaddeus. Dear God, _Obie._ He was brought down to his knees thinking about it.

It had happened a few times in the three days or so that Steve had been in the medical bay at shield. Tony was always a certain companion in his recovery. He’d sit with Steve and watch the monitors, bring him lunch and news from the outside world, would help him up to the bathroom, and sometimes Steve could feel him watching him as he dozed or as he came back from a dream. Tony was there to bring him back from the nightmares. Sometimes, though, sometimes Tiny would be sitting next to his bed and he would get this _look_ on his face. He’d stare at Steve and it’d be like he couldn’t even see _him_. It was hard to describe but Steve was well versed in Tony’s nonverbal cues to know what hid behind his oh so expressive eyes. Apprehension. Mistrust. _Fear. Betrayal._ Every time he got that look in his face, which was fairly often, it tore at a chunk of Steve’s heart.

Oh, he’d do his best to talk him out them. Like with the nightmares and the now-more-frequent panic attacks, Steve knew exactly what to do. Mercifully, Tony always kept close and the serum worked fast on his recovering body so that he could touch him in some way. Usually he would hold Tony’s hand and play with his fingers, or if he was closer still which was rare because Tony always seemed to keep cautiously distant nowadays, then Steve would card his finger through his hair. He’d talk to him until Tony’s hand stopped its frantic tapping on his reactor and his breathing calmed. It wasn’t deep, it had stopped being the ever present apologies; it was more about… getting Tony to know him, Steve supposed. Getting him to recognize that some things about them had never changed.

So Steve sat there, his heart torn to pieces and desperate for _anything_ he could get, and he would talk to Tony.

                                                                                      ***

Tony listened. He knew Steve thought he was too far gone to truly garner the sincerity behind his words, but he wasn’t. He _never_ had been so far gone as to not recognize Steve. It was what had hurt the most in the days just before and during the war. Knowing Steve, everything that seemed important about him, and watch him change. Watch the glorified version Tony had of him crumble and become nothing but a flawed, desperate visage of the man he loved. During the war, Tony had gotten to know Steve’s deepest flaws. Where before he’d admired Steve for his loyalty, thinking it noble, during the war he had seen how utterly blind it made him. Where before Steve’s morality had made him admire him, during the war it had shown him the man’s naiveté. Steve had fought the war because it was _right_ , but Tony had fought for what was _safe_. They had never meant to be mutually exclusive ideals, but they had become so in the end.

So, even though the sound of Steve’s trembling and breaking voice _killed_ him, Tony listened. Sometimes, when Steve was carding his nimble artist’s fingers through his hair, Tony would close his eyes and pretend like everything was fine. He’d done so many times in the past.

_So, then, Sam said that I should turn back. Stop looking, you know? ‘Cause there was guarantee that I’d like what I found, but I had to try. Ya know? Had to try to get him back…_

_I went back, you see, on that day of the meeting? After you’d told me you wanted to punch me? (Steve chuckled wetly, something horribly sad in his voice.) I went back and I sat there, and I thought about everything that I’d do differently. Everything I could tell you, but I couldn’t think of anything, you know? I could only think to tell you how much I love you._

_I knew, (Steve had said so softly,) I knew you had Pietro with you. How could I not? Clint changed, you know? One day he came here, and he was all happy. Kept telling Wanda… Well, it doesn’t matter. It was a simple thing to have Sharon tell us the details. You should have done it, I mean Phil is good, but you… you should have kept him a secret. I was going to tell Wanda, but… I knew, sweetheart. I knew why you didn’t tell anyone that he was there. You were always good, huh, baby? Far better than anyone thought._

_I should have_ known _, (It’s one of the bad days. Steve’s been hyped up with enough painkillers to put down a horse. He’d had a bout of night terrors the likes of which Tony had never seen. It brings a twinge to his heart when he wonders how long they’d been going on.) What he was doing to you. I should have known that the choices you made… at the end. After we talked. God, I was such an idiot._

_I kept drawing, can you believe that? It was the only way I could see you. Yes, I know (Steve chuckled weakly. His fingers trembled. It was another bad time.) You’d call me sappy, wouldn’t you? You know the answer I’d give wouldn’t you, sweetheart?_

_Yes_ , Tony had thought as he buried his face in Steve’s tummy with the excuse of getting comfortable in his sleep. His eyes were burning too much to do anything else. _Yes,_ he’d thought as the skin underneath him shook and heaved while Steve tried to control himself. _You would have told me I loved it,_ Tony had thought wretchedly. _And I do._

_By God, Steve, I still do._

_***_

Things fall apart once Steve’s released and he goes back to Avengers mansion. It’s through no fault of either one of them, honest, which is… amazing. It’s the whole… place. There is nowhere Steve can go where memories don’t haunt him. He walks into a room and the war comes back. It’s a mind field, and in the brief moments he sees Tony during that first week he can see them going off behind his brown eyes. Can see his hands shaking as they’re standing in the common room, Steve going out into the kitchen to grab a bite while Tony goes in to look for something. They’re at an impasse, then, trying to think of what to say. How to make their last moment in that place better, somehow, less poisonous to them both. They can’t, though, because neither one of them is speaking. The one time Steve had tried to talk to Tony the man had spent a week in Malibu and Steve had spent it in the roof again.

Incidentally, that’s where Steve is when Tony finds him. Maybe it’s the artist in him, or maybe he has a morbid fascination with it, but he’s found himself drawn to the roof for a while now. Maybe it has something to do with Before. He’s had so many flashbacks up there, making him bend the railing until it snapped and cut into his palm. He’s seen Bucky fall, he’s seen _himself_ fall. Then there’s the other ones, the ones from After, the ones where Tony’s the sole focus of his terrors. Tony falling from the wormhole, Tony falling after Ultron, Tony falling because of that EMP during one of their last good missions, just… Tony, the armor that was supposed to keep him safe becoming a coffin, sealing him away from Steve’s grasping hands.

That’s how the other man finds him, then, hunched over the railing. His knuckles are white with and shaking, his eyes unseeing in the New York sunset, he’s swaying in the breeze and from his precarious hold on the broken railing. A little part of him tells him that if he falls now it’ll be nothing like in the Triskelion or the mission that led him to Bucky, if he falls now that’d be it. Game over.

 _No more fucking up,_ a little part of him tells him. It grows louder, though, as if fighting against the increasing wind. _Can’t hurt anyone else. Just another stain on the pavement._ He shudders with a forced breath, and he’s about to turn around when there’s shouting.

 _“Jesus Christ, Steve!!”_ Tony’s desperate voice reaches him before his hands do. Those are next, though, clawing at his shirt. He gets yanked back, falls on his ass really with the force of it, and right on top of the other man. There’s a chunk of railing in his hands, torn away when he was yanked back, but there’s no time for him to feel sorry about it. because suddenly Tony’s face is right there, and it’s so red and his eyes are wide with panic and he looks about two seconds away from beating him over the head with something as he shouts and berates him for _“being so fucking stupid, Steve. What the fuck is wrong with you? You just got back, you stupidly insensitive, beautiful jackass!”_

All Steve can think though, all that makes it past his lips is “You’re beautiful.”

                                                                                      ***

Avoiding Steve is possibly the hardest thing Tony has ever done in his life. Because a huge part of him wants to pretend like nothing ever happened and curl up into the other man’s chest. Wrap himself around the other man, like he’d done in the hospital, and pretend like they’re okay. Pretend as though Steve had gotten injured in another simple mission rather than the real reason why. He would give anything to forget, to wipe his mind of what they’d both done…

And he tries, after about a week of avoiding contact with Steve, he tries to get himself to forget. While the nanos had failed him in terms of his heart, some of them remained. He’d told the others that they were all gone, of course, had relished their sighs of relief. He’d been relieved, then, as well. That nothing was killing him, after the Palladium it seemed like overkill, but he hadn’t savored his suddenly limited abilities. Some of them had remained without anyone knowing, which was Osborn had come to _him_ for help with Registration. Who better to keep records and help their campaign than the man who could hold any type of technological information saved in his brain? Anyone else would have going to him for the reactor, but no, Osborn was far too clever for that. Tony had much more potential than that.

With a little persuasion, in the form of Steve’s ultimatum from Ross, Osborn had convinced Tony to help. To help without telling anyone who was behind his plans, who was behind his campaign; without telling who was behind his _betrayal_. Because that’s what it was, Tony going for the SHRA. Everyone thought he didn’t get it, why Steve was so mad at him, but he did. Howard’s stories, though few and far between, had always included Bucky. And though not to the level of Steve’s stories, Howard had always considered Barnes a supporting act, Tony had gotten enough. He’d known about Bucky’s parents; had known that for _him_ , and by association for Steve, stopping the branding and active hunting of Jews in the war had meant more than for many others. The SHRA was too much like that to ever fly with Steve, so it had to be Tony. And that? Tony might be emotionally stunted and incredibly oblivious, but he’d always known what that would cost him.

 _Registration or his life, Stark? What would it be?_ In the end, it had been so simple. As much as he pretended to hate the sappiness with Steve, Tony had always known what his answer would be. It was his answer for everyone he cared about. Rhodey. Pepper. There was no difference with Steve other than the fact that his resolve was much more fervent. That day, when Registration had first come up and Steve had reared back from their nose-to-nose argument in the common floor as if Tony had slapped him, that day he’d vowed with all his might to do everything he could to keep the other man safe. He’d promised Steve, then, _better to have you alive hating me, than dead and loving me._

He should have known, of course, that nothing was ever that simple with a snake like Osborn. When Tony had heard about Steve’s talk with Ross, something heavy had dropped low in his stomach. Osborn’s level of treachery was something he could deal with. He dealt with dirty politicians all the time. Thunderbolt, though, he was different. Any man who made the Hulk tremble was bad news, but _that_ man? Playing ball with him was never going to be good. It was never going to end well. He was too deep then to back out, though, and so he’d gone to Steve. Had tried to reason with him, even if part of him had screamed at him that it was useless. That he had already lost him. It had become more obvious as their talk progressed, though, and so he’d done what he did best. He’d acted, for just a second, without thinking. The sound of metal on flesh was sickeningly loud in the confined space. Steve’s look of horror and surprise was even worse. Then Steve had looked at _Bucky_ , sharing a look like he’d done just mere days before with Tony, and bets were off. Blind jealousy and hurt blinded him enough to go after him, his _lover_ , until they were both spent. Until there was just enough energy for Steve to slip from his metal fingers and be dragged away from Tony.

For a long time, nobody had known. Other than Tasha, which was why she’d sided with him, nobody had known that he’d been cornered. How could they? Tony had played ball with politicians and dirty bureaucrats since he was seventeen. Crooked businessmen even before then. How could they have known that he’d been cornered? His one weakness identified, isolated and exploited? It was perhaps, he thought that day while watching the news of Registration’s crumbling, too easy to see it. When he stared at Steve like _that_. That is, until that day.

He’d been hole up in the workshop, as he’d been every day since Steve had gotten back from hospital, with his fingers deep into the armor and AC/DC blasting to the point of pain. It drowned out the sound of his self-loathing for a few minutes. He felt disgusting for what he’d done, for pushing for something that had torn his family; he felt like he’d never been dirtied, not even with Ultron. He’d torn _Steve_ to pieces because even though he’d been seething with rage and betrayal he’d seen what the War and Bucky were doing to Steve. He’d known that it was tearing the other man apart, but he hadn’t made it any easier. He’d been hurting, and so he’d wanted Steve to hurt too.

 _Not like that, though,_ he’d thought as his music was cut off and the sound of heavy steps came into the workshop. Tony had known he was _pissed_ by the threading of his feet alone. The Captain, despite his size, had always had light feet. He used to put that to deliciously malevolent intent before when he snuck into the master bathroom with Tony. Or when he got him from behind in their kitchen. Now, though, it sounded like Thor was stomping his way to Tony’s station. His hands clenched into fists on the worktop. His anxiety only spiked when he heard the rustling of papers.

“Your loyalty, your pull, your _connections_ , for Bucky,” Steve’s voice was stern, but he couldn’t fool Tony. Tony knew every hitch and break in his voice. Knew what every pause and break meant. And this? This was Steve when he’d taken the old ship into the ice. This was Steve talking about Peggy. This was Steve talking about DumDum and the other Commandos. This was Steve when he talked about Bucky, and wondered where he was. This was Steve trying his hardest not to show how damned scared he was. “Supporting the war in exchange for—“

“You,” Tony tells him simply. There’s no need to lie here, not to Steve, because they both know. Steve’s the one that just risked his neck to protect Tony’s tarnished image. Steve’s the one that just got shot for him, for _them_ , and even if Tony can’t forgive him quite yet he still knows that to his core. Steve would do his damnedest to protect him from anyone, and when he can’t? Tony thinks and turns to look at where Steve’s arm is tucked in a sling. He’s hunched in on himself because of the wound, but his other hand shakes where it grips the papers.

 _Obviously I failed,_ Tony thinks as Steve stalks towards him. There’s a very big possibility that Steve will punch him now. The thought, unbidden, makes him scamper back and avert his eyes, and he hears Steve come to an abrupt halt. The look on the other man’s face is haunted, his hand raised but not curled into a fist. More like—

 _“Steve,_ ” Tony tells him desperately because obviously there’s been a miscommunication here. Or, more like, Tony hadn’t seen the truth. Of course Steve wouldn’t punch him for this. Tony was the one to throw the first punch the first time they met in their suits, in the abandoned building too, Tony was the one that attacked first.

“I’m sorry,” Steve croaks out. It’s so simple, then, to see things that he hadn’t seen when the enmity and the uncertainty of Bucky had blinded him. It’s so simple to see the self-hatred and helplessness in Steve’s eyes. Because Tony might have been the one to throw the first punch, but Steve was the one that didn’t stop Bucky. Tony might have started it, but Steve was the one that _didn’t_ finish it. Tony might have made the first hit, but Steve was the one that had to deal with the aftermath. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Would you have listened?” Tony hears the dark note of accusation in his voice, but he can’t help it. He’s got nothing left to give. No way of faking it anymore. Steve’s stripped him bare.

“If I had known—“

“Bucky was still in danger. You would have—“

“Stopped!” Steve screams. It echoes around them, bounces off the metal and empty space in the workshop. Make Dummy and the others roll back and beep anxiously. It makes Tony’s eyes widen. There’s an ugly look in Steve’s face. Something he’d never seen before, but that he recognizes from looking at himself in the mirror. “I would have fucking stopped if I had known what they were doing to you. Bucky’s important, Tony, god knows how _much_ ,” Steve’s voice breaks and Tony averts his eyes so he doesn’t see the pain in them. “But you,” Steve closes the gap between them and cradles Tony’s face in his hands. “You, sweetheart, I would have never traded for anything. No, listen,” Steve says with conviction when Tony opens his mouth to argue, plead, god he doesn’t even know. “I stayed with Buck, once we found him and what they had done to him, for _you._ ”

Tony was to punch him then. He wants to shove him away and scream at him till he’s red in the face because _what the fuck?_ How was Steve throwing him, making him feel like a complete idiot, supposed to be for his benefit? How was Steve breaking his heart for him? How was—

He’s interrupted from his frantic screaming, he realizes till then that it was out loud, by plush lips on his. He fists his hands on Steve’s tight t-shirt, and thinks about pushing him away, but _can’t_. He can’t because it’s been so long since that last desperate kiss at the hospital and sometimes Tony comes down to the lab and the terrors grip him and he doesn’t know if he imagined it. Sometimes he comes down to the workshop and fears that when he emerges it’d just be Natasha and Steve would still be gone. Worse, still, sometimes he gets to the communal floor and he sees everyone else and thinks that Steve’s _dead._ So he doesn’t push him away, just mashes their lips together even harder though it hurts because this is what he needs. Just Steve. Just him, and his dexterous artist’s fingers cradling his face like there’s nothing more precious in the world.

“Bucky told me,” Steve says breathlessly. His eyes are so open, and earnest. So fucking blue, and there’s scratches like pavement burn on his cheek that Tony wants to caress and a patch of his hair’s missing where one of the bullets grazed his head and Tony gets lightheaded because it’s too much. This proof that he almost lost him, _again_. He closes his eyes and rests his head on the other man’s chest. Steve just cradles his head there, rubs a thumb on his temple, and wraps his other arm around his waist. “That they were coming after you.”

“Why?” Tony manages to choke out. He still wishes he were strong enough to push him away.

“Think about it, baby, Wakanda? Why else would T’Challa be here, huh? Bucky told me HYDRA was after you, and that someone else. Someone _here_ was connected to that. Why else would they frame Bucky? They were scapegoating him—“

“I know,” Tony tells him quietly. He gets the wherewithal to push away so that they’re face to face. Steve’s looking down at him with a crease in his eyebrows and an unhappy set to his mouth. God, he’s beautiful. “About Barnes, at least, I knew he wasn’t…” he trails off, not knowing how to continue.

“How?” Steve asks him quietly. He seems to realize that the moment has passed and he steps away from Tony. The genius hates that it makes him feel so bereft; so utterly cold.

“Just,” Tony shrugs. He’s never been very good at this, this… sharing. Confessing thing. He knows he won’t weasel himself out of it that easily, though, because Steve’s always been a patient fucker. Now, even more so it seems, because it’s tinged with desperation. “I just figured that, well, I figured that if he really was—well, I just thought—I mean, I—you wouldn’t, I knew that much, I just—“Tony exhales sharply. He feels like such an idiot. “I just thought you wouldn’t l-leave me. If he was.”

“Oh, Tony,” Steve says softly. “I wouldn’t have. Not if I was one-hundred percent—“Steve’s breaks off and Tony watches his eyes widening. In the confusion of the moment, he had forgotten what he’d been working on before he moved on to the suit. He’d forgotten about his… side project. “Is that…” Steve whispers, his voice trails off as he stares at the contraption behind Tony.

“I don’t know how it works,” Tony tells him quietly. His expertise had never been biology or anything related to it. He knew enough to fix his heart, but the level of neurology necessary to understand the machine? It was something he didn’t have. The electricity and mechanical components of it, sure, he could work with them to make a rough sketch of how it affected people. That is all it would be, though, and seeing as Bruce hadn’t been down to the workshop in a while. “It’s not my level of expertise, to be honest, I can only… make an educated guess.”

“C-can I…”

“No,” Tony says resolutely. Steve’s head snaps to him. Righteous fury brimming right behind his eyes like blue fire, and Tony doesn’t think he’s seen him be so much himself in months. Still, though, he puts him foot down. “At least not until we know how it works. What it did. How to—“he shrugs. He doesn’t want to give him false hope.

“He has to know. If it could help him—“

“And if it doesn’t? If we can’t figure out what the fuck they did to him, how bad it screwed with his head, and we tell him that we have it? You know him better than I do, sure, but tell me he wouldn’t be here. All the time. Trying to figure out how to reverse it?”

“He still has a right. Tony, he needs to know that—“

“I said no, Steve!” Tony retorts harshly. Steve rears back, anger plain on his face and in the way his nostrils flare. He wants to yell back, the genius knows, but he moves back instead. “We’ll find something. Something to figure out if it can be reversed, but he can’t know. It’d be cruel.”

“Fine,” Steve says dejectedly.  Tony hates to hurt him like that, but this isn’t about him. It isn’t about either one of them, honestly, it’s about Barnes. Tony knows what it’s like to be given hope only to lose it and end with nothing new or even less than what you used to have. Tony’s seen enough of his flashbacks to know that Barnes needs help beyond the tweaking of a machine more than anyone messing with his head again. “We’ll wait, but you’d—“

“I’ll tell you,” Tony says and slumps down against his worktop. Of course, it was stupid to think that just because Steve was down here now he wouldn’t be worrying about Bucky. The genius turns around to hide the pain in his eyes, but he doesn’t get very far. Steve’s there, again, the giant oaf. He’s there with an index finger under his chin and that concerned puppy expression on his face.

“Don’t even think that this conversation is done,” he tells the genius softly. “About Ross and Osborn. I know you, remember? I know you better than anyone else, so whatever you need, Tony, whatever you need to do to feel better, I’m here. Ross is in custody, but—“

“He’s gone,” Tony tells him weakly. The information stored in his head suddenly makes it feel much heavier. “He’d be in hide out, but Steve,” Tony tells him desperately because he needs him to believe him. They’re not safe, not by a long shot, as long as they’re out there. His eyes fall to the sling, and his hands begin to tremble. They’ve already come _so close._ “There’s more of him. He’s not working alone. Registration made it easier for them to—to gather—to get together and _plan_ , and I don’t know if—Ross had _no control_ over them—they’re villains, shit, of course he didn’t, but I don’t know—“Steve’s hand covers his mouth gently. The genius has worked himself into another panic, just thinking about what could happen.

“If they’re out there, we’ll find them, okay?” Steve says gently. “We’ll find a way. We always do.”

 

 

That was as far as they’d gotten that day, and now Tony is reminded once again of why he should always trust the Captain. He’s walking into the common room an hour before movie night because he’s exhausted, and what he finds makes him stop dead in his tracks. Barnes is on the couch, his knees pulled up to his chest and clutching a couch cushion to his chest. His eyes are fixed on the television, but they’re vacant. That’s indication enough for Tony to get the fuck out of there and find Natasha or Steve. He glances back at the TV, and his stomach twists into a tight knot at what he sees. Rumlow’s ugly mug is right in the center of the screen. If Bucky’s muffled noises into the cushion are any indication, the Sergeant knows exactly who he is.

He breaks into a run as soon as he hits the hallway. He goes to the gym first, then the garage, then the Captain’s room, but he’s not in any of those places. Tony checks Friday on his phone for anyone who could calm Barnes down, Sam or Tasha, are in the tower and he’s responded in the negative. He’s not surprised, they still got time till they have to be there. He’s making a desperate pass through the kitchen, where he finds Thor and Rhodey having what looks to be a serious conversation, but Tony doesn’t care. He needs to find Steve.

“Tones, hey, slow down,” Rhodey’s half off his stool and grabbing onto Tony’s shirt. Thor is on his other side in an instant, looking puffed up and protective.

“What is it that ails you, Anthony?” He asks quietly. The calm way in which he says it eases some of Tony’s panic.

“Barnes, he’s having a,” he motions vaguely to his head and though he can see Thor doesn’t get it, Rhodey does. His head snaps to the living room. “And Natasha and Sam aren’t here, and he needs help, but I can’t find Steve. I’ve looked everywhere and he didn’t leave a note, and his bike is still in the garage, and—“

“Have you checked the roof?” Rhodeys asks quietly, interrupting his panicked babbling. Tony’s head snaps to him, and the other man shrugs uncomfortably. “I found him there, before he got hurt.”

At the word _hurt,_ Tony’s shooting out of the room like hellhounds are chasing him. It seems as though his captain has found a new spot to brood. Which is never a good thing. Steve brooding leads to things like suicide missions and stupid press conferences that get him _shot_ and almost _killed_. He impatiently jabs at the button in the elevator and then flies up the stairs. When he hits the deck on the roof, he swears the new reactor’s light goes off for a whole minute and his heart stops. Because Steve, _his precious fucking idiotic Steve,_ is swaying on the edge of the fucking roof.

The scream that makes it past his lips tears at his throat as he comes out, but he doesn’t care. He lunges to Steve’s back and yanks him back with too much force, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care because seeing him like that, on the edge, just about to plummet down… it’s too much. It’s too much because Rhodey’s words are bouncing in his head, and Steve’s been here before, and Steve almost _died_ before, and he can’t, he can’t, he just _can’t—_

 _“You stupid idiot! What is wrong with you? What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t you ever fucking do something like that again. Don’t you ever fucking learn, Rogers, don’t you dare do that again, you hear me? You stupid b-bastard! You moronic, stupid, idiot!”_ he gets out from under Steve and grabs him from the collar of his shirt. There are humiliating tears in his eyes, and his fists shake and his head hurts from the yelling, but he needs Steve to get it. He needs him to just _understand_ that he can’t do shit like that. _Being so fucking stupid, Steve. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You just got back, you stupidly insensitive, beautiful jackass!”_

 _“I love you,”_ Steve tells him. His eyes are glassy and roam all over Tony’s face, and this is so ridiculous. It’s so incredibly stupid and so not funny, but Tony just collapses into the other man’s chest and starts chuckling wetly because he’s so relieved. He’s so freaking relieved that he’s still there. “Shh,” Steve says quietly, and Tony hadn’t noticed that he’s been hiccupping into his shirt. “It’s all right, Tony. I was just about to go down. We’re okay.”

That snaps Tony out of his reverie. “No, we’re not,” he says and helps Steve get to his feet. He needs to get him to Bucky, now, before the others try to. In the state of mind he’s in, Tony fears for his friends. Though Thor could bring him down, it’d undoubtedly set him back from the progress he’s made. Tony would know, he has experience with the type of terror Barnes is feeling. Steve protests all the way to the communal floor, but as soon as the elevator doors open they know. They know that they’re needed.

“You must calm yourself, James,” Thor is saying. He’s yelling over, and they can hear Barnes snarling something back, and suddenly Steve’s tearing down the hall into the room. Tony, for the first time, follows right on his heels.

“Buck,” Steve says evenly. Thor meets his eyes and lets the sergeant go, though he doesn’t step too far away. Rhodey is by the door, but he looks like he wants to jump in. Tony meets his eyes and jerks his head to the side, a clear indication to _get out_ , but the stubborn idiot glares back. Tony jerks his head again, one problem at the time is enough, and Rhodey glares for a full minute before he gets out. The message in his look is clear, though, _call if you need me_. And then he’s gone.

Thor looks wearily between the two super soldiers before he makes his way to the door. Barnes and Steve are at a standstill, Tony can see the wheels in his head turning, can see the struggle. He looks like he’s a second away from snapping; the shaking of his fists indicate the effort it’s taking to keep himself in place. Thor claps a hand on Tony’s shoulder and murmurs a quick promise to come if he is needed. Then it’s just the three of them. Tony’s not stupid enough to get in the middle of the two of them, but he’ll be damned if he leaves him to deal with this alone again.

“Buck, you’re safe,” Steve tells him quietly. He takes a step forward, and Bucky’s head snaps up like a feral animal. Tony lurches forward, and realizes it’s a mistake when the other man’s eyes connect with his.

“You,” Barnes snarls. There’s something dark and twisted in his face. This, Tony thinks hysterically, is the Winter Soldier. This is what regression looks like. “You should be dead.” And he seems he’s about to fulfill that promise as he all but launches himself at Tony. The genius scrambles back, cursing himself for not having the bracelets on when he fucking needs them, and braces himself for the first hit. Flashbacks of his own threaten to nauseate him, but he pushes them away.

Only he doesn’t have to because Steve’s there. He grabs Barnes around the waist as he makes a dash for Tony, and throws him on the floor. He tries to subdue him, but Barnes’s training is as good as his own. There’s yelling, from Steve for Tony to get the fuck out and from Barnes to get away. Tony ignores both of them as he joins Steve, the Captain is flustered with anger and panic and _get the hell away from him_ , but Tony just joins him in pinning the other man to the floor.

“Not leaving you,” Tony says angrily. His eyes meet Steve, and he tries to show his determination. “Not again, I’m not letting you deal with this on your own.” he gets a tiny nod, like a relieved little thing, and then looks down at Bucky.

The Winter Soldier is looking between the two of them like he can’t understand how this is happening. He’s trying to claw at them, get them off him, and he keeps saying “ _You’re my mission,”_ but now it sounds like that’s the only thing he’s sure of. Neither Steve nor Tony knows who he’s talking to, though, because it seems like it belongs to both of them. He successfully grabs onto Steve’s arm and pulls twists, trying to dislodge the grip, but Steve isn’t having it.

“I am not your enemy, Bucky,” he tells him. There’s desperation in his tone, and it tears at Tony. How can he do this? How can he do this every time Bucky regresses? It hurts Tony just to _see_ him, how can he stand it? “I’m your friend, Buck. I’m Steve. You’re okay.”

“No, you’re my mission! I don’t know you!” Bucky screams at them. It’s sounding more desperate and more determined the more he screams at them.

“No, I’m Steve. You’re my best friend, Buck, you took care of me, remember? You remember that, jerk?”

That seems to hit something, because Bucky’s trembling grip on him slackens and his eyes dart around. He’s seeking something, anything to cling to what he thinks is real, but he can’t find it. There is nothing to link him to HYDRA in the new facility. Everything there is _theirs_ , it’s untainted by SHIELD or HYDRA. His eyes snap to Tony, and he gets utterly confused.

“I killed you,” he tells him quietly. It takes all of his willpower not to jerk back because this is something he knows. Of course he does, and Steve knows that. Yet the soldier shoots him a worried glance like he’d rather have him somewhere else.

“No,” Tony tells Bucky. It isn’t until this moment, seeing how broken and lost and utterly confused Barnes is, that he’s getting it. He’s getting what Steve meant about not being able to leave him alone. _Tony_ doesn’t want to leave him right now when he looks so fucking broken. “That was my father. His name was Howard, and you knew him. Before.”

“Howard,” Barnes says quietly. Steve exhales sharply beside him.

“He was our friend,” the Captain tells him quietly. Tony knows he’s uncomfortable talking about his father in front of him. He chances to let Barnes go for a quick, reassuring squeeze to Steve’s hand. It seems to give the other man courage. “We knew him before. He helped me be who I am. He was—“

 

                                                                                      ***

“A crazy, adrenaline junkie idiot,” both him and Bucky say at the same time. The shadows are clearing in his eyes, and Steve is so fucking grateful. This was bad, this is one of the only times where Bucky has regressed so much, but he’s coming back. He’s coming back and he’s remembering and he’s so fucking grateful. Turning his hand to twin his fingers through Tony’s makes his heart soar a bit more. God, how he loves this man. Bucky looks from him to Tony again, and Steve can almost see how hard it is to work through the disconnect in his head.

“If you’re not my mission,” Bucky tells Tony quietly. It’s almost exactly the same thing he told Steve in the hellicarrier. Steve knows that the answer they give will either help bring him back or push him further away. “Then who are you.”

“I’m…” Tony hesitates, and snaps his eyes up to Steve. He’s feeling just as helpless, though, because Tony isn’t anything to Bucky. Not yet. But he needs to make the other man understand that he is not a threat. “I’m an ally. My name is Tony, I’m—“

“Stevie’s,” Bucky tells him quietly. His eyes are locked with Tony’s and though Steve knows them both like the back of his hand, he can’t understand what they’re saying to each other right then. Whatever it is, though, takes the fight out of his friend. “You’re Steve’s Tony.”

“Yeah,” Tony croaks out, his eyes suddenly on Steve. The soldier admits to get a bit lost in them, but he doesn’t think that the other man minds. He almost cries with relief when he sees the same emotions there as before, before Bucky before the war before everything, for the first time in a very long time. “I’m Steve’s Tony.”

It’s so ironic that it could almost be funny, Steve thinks, as he sags against them. It’s so ironic that Bucky would be the one to tear them apart, but would bring them back together again.

 

 

So, yeah, things aren’t easy. There’s the manner of hunting for the villains Ross got together to hunt down people who didn’t Register. There’s the matter of SHIELD to deal with, and whether or not they want to rebuild it. Tony thinks it’s worth it, but Steve thinks it might be time to cut their losses with it and figure out another day. HYDRA has already infiltrated it twice, what says they won’t again? He’s slightly outnumbered on that, though, because Maria and Sharon are deadest on bringing things back. They’ve even managed to, somehow, talk Fury into doing something he hates. Like coming back from the dead.

Steve’s just glad that he gets to keep his team together, even after everything. Bruce has decided to return to Avengers mansion, and Steve thinks all of them sigh in relief at his decision. They’d all been on edge thinking about him being gone for so long. Sam and Rhodey, as new official members of the team, have rooms in the Tower. It takes some convincing to keep Rhodey, but then he decides he’d better stick around to keep an eye on Tony. Though, Steve thinks wryly as the other man narrows his eyes on him from across the patio, he might have stayed just to make sure Steve doesn’t fuck up again. The Vision visits from time to time, though most days he’s not around. He has things to discover, he says, but he’s always ready if he is needed. Steve thinks it’s for the best, too, because Tony gets a pinched look on his face whenever he’s there. Steve makes sure to keep him close, and do everything he can to keep the memories of Edwin and JARVIS at bay. Thor goes back to Asgard for a while, though most of the time he splits his time between Avengers Mansion and New Mexico. Clint and Tony have a betting pool on when Lil’ Thunder will come into being.

Clint takes to the mansion and the new team like a duck to water. He’s mother Henning the twins all over the place. Making sure they get to training, and press conferences on time. He nags them to get out and explore, he encourages them to separate, too, and just overall acts like they’re his children. Though he and Pietro tend to get into all sorts of trouble. Wanda is usually at SHIELD, learning whatever she can about what they do and why; erasing Vonstrucker’s influence, Steve knows. Sometimes, though, she disappears and conveniently reappears with the Vision. Everyone’s decided not to mention it. Pietro stays around the mansion a lot, though sometimes he makes the trip and meets with some friends upstate. He’s brought some back, and Steve’s made acquaintances with a lovely woman named Storm and a rough, crude man named Logan that reminds him of the commandos thanks to Pietro. When they’re together, like now, they gravitate toward each other. Clint and Pietro had somehow taken the game console out onto the patio and are yelling at each other over Mario kart. They’d tried ping-pong first, but Pietro had pelted Clint till he almost got shot with an arrow. Wanda’s sitting near her brother, as always, but she’s got an amusedly exasperated on her face. She leans over to the lounge chair next to her and says something to Natasha, and the spy smirks. Phil’s sitting next to Clint with an arm thrown over his shoulder. He’s dressed casually, which he does nowadays, and he turns around and catches Steve’s eyes. There’s fond exasperation in his eyes, and Steve smirks. _Wa-pshhh_ , he thinks.

Natasha is calmer than Steve has ever seen her. Her smiles are more readily given, and her guard is not as strong with them. She dares to get up late, and curl up in the couch with a mug of coffee. She allows herself to watch sappy rom-coms in the communal floor. She lets herself be seen with messy hair and pajamas, and walking like a zombie on her way to breakfast. She leans down, now, and whispers something into the messy hair that’s resting on her lap. The man there smiles at her and snorts, and his arm glints in the sun.

 _That_ was perhaps the most surprising thing for all of them. Natasha had hated Bucky at the beginning for what she thought he’d done to her family. She’d hated Steve for following him, and after that night in the communal floor when Tony had told Bucky that he was Steve’s, she’d hated him too. She had refused, for a long time, to see any redeeming qualities in the super soldier. Eventually, though, and after a lot of persuasion from Clint, Steve, Tony, and even _Phil_ she’d begun to allow him near her. One day, Steve had been on a quick mission and Tony had been in Malibu and Clint and the twins where god knows where, she’d had to deal with one of Bucky’s nightmares. Nobody knows what happened that night, but somehow she’d opened up a bit more. Then she started going with him to his therapy sessions, and well… Steve thinks, as Bucky tilts his head back and she pecks him quickly on the lips, the rest was history from then on.

“Just because I don’t mind the staring doesn’t mean they won’t find it creeping,” the man next to him says quietly. His tone is soft and fond, though, as an arm snakes around Steve’s waist and a hand settles on his ass and gives it a squeeze. Steve rolls his eyes and though his hands are occupied with the plate of hamburgers Tony’s grilling, he leans down and bites Tony’s ear. “Hey!” he squeaks indignantly.

“I am not creepy,” Steve tells him. Tony looks up at him skeptically, and Steve mock glares down at him. “I’m not. It’s just… I mean, did you think that was going to happen? Cause I sure as hell didn’t, but, they’re cute.”

Tony rolls his eyes up at him and gives him a smile. “Whatever you say, darlin’,” he tells Steve. And he’s ridiculous. He’s ridiculous ‘cause he’s on bared feet and ripped jeans, and a flannel and a Harry Potter shirt and those ridiculous red-tinted glasses and a cheesy _Kiss the Cook_ apron, and he’s grinning up at Steve with so much love in his eyes. He’s ridiculous, and Steve loves him, and how could he have almost lost him like that? It hurts to think that he almost lost not only Tony but _this_ , all of it, his _family_. It humbles and scares the hell out of him, and burgers be damned he leans down and pecks Tony in the lips.

A wolf whistle from Bucky parts him from his lover, but Steve still feels the smile against his lips as they reluctantly separate. Steve flips Bucky off, and the others laugh. Tony finishes the patties up and places them on Steve’s plate. The soldier is about to turn and feed his team when Tony grabs him by the belt loops and pulls him in again. Steve thinks he’s going for another kiss, which he’s very on board with, but Tony only presses himself against Steve’s arm so he feels the warmth of the reactor against him. He stares up at him with those big brown eyes, and in a moment of sobering sincerity, tells him “We’re okay. We’re okay now, Steve, and I love you.”

Steve bites his lip to keep his emotions in check, and Tony lets him. Tony lets him lean his face down and bury it in his curls. He lets him take ragged breaths to calm himself down. He lets him because he knows that he needs it and he loves him, and God, just… Steve is just grateful. He lets the sounds of his team member’s antics wash over him and offers a quick prayer of thanks to whoever is watching that let him have this. Tony gives a quick kiss to his neck and a squeeze to his arm before he pulls away. His eyes are red rimmed, too, and Steve is so glad he’s not alone in this. He’s so glad he can be certain he _never_ has to be alone anymore.

“C’mon, Captain,” Tony tells him with a goofy grin. “Let’s go feed your team.” Steve returns the grin and moves towards the picnic table they have for occasions such as these.

“Avengers!” Steve calls out, and his smile is so wide when his team looks up at him that it hurts, but by God he never wants it to end. He never wants to stop being this happy. “Assemble!”

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo? Whatcha think?


End file.
